Friday, March 18, 2011

It's Eerie

Both of my children can read my mind. I am not kidding. Either they are truly clairvoyant or they're so multi-channel perceptive they can simply sense what I am going to say next. Maybe it's because we live in a relatively small world (home-park-school-home) with a shared set of memories and experiences. Maybe it's because we're so big on routines at our house any dummy could guess what will happen next, but I doubt it. Maybe my kids are just extra-special. Do I sound ridiculous or what?

It happens at least once a day, with one child or the other. For instance, I will be thinking about how I really should make chicken for dinner, and Veronica will run in shouting "Chicken!" and flapping her arms. Or Rex will say "Nana, Grandpa?" the minute before the phone rings (guess who). This all started happening when Veronica was around one year old, and at first I thought maybe I had said my thoughts out loud and then forgotten I'd said them, and she was just babbling my thoughts back to me. Then it started to happen all the time, to other people who happened to be with Veronica when she did it. And these people would later say to me, "You'll never guess what Veronica blah blah so-and-so such-and-such etc. today!" and I would just nod. After a while we all got used to it.

Now it's the same way with Rex. He seems to take everything Veronica ever did when she was his age to the nth degree, and I am happy to see that he's got one of her more charming traits. I'm sure I will feel this way until the kids hit adolescence and become way smarter than me (this may be happening already) and the mind-reading thing will backfire. For now, it's just very cute, and I remain in awe of my kids' mental abilities.

Yes, I know I still sound ridiculous.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Dig the Dirt!! Dig the Dirt!!

Today Rexie and I walked all the way to Kate's Cat and Dog Salon to pick up Sanchi. It's more accurate to say that Rex ran, rather than walked, because halfway there he spied a major construction project in the distance and began to sprint. So our little afternoon jaunt became an eight-block baby race. Fun. And I guess I should point out he's not really a baby any more, since he's almost two, but I still like to call him the baby.

The construction project involved ten or twelve guys in orange vests and hats standing around watching one other guy operate a lift-loader, or backhoe, or digger or scoop-thingy (apparently my first child was a girl, who referred to all of them simply as 'trucks') in order to put large steel beams vertically into a large hole in the middle of the street. Fascinating. And then the boss lady (I am not making this up) came out of her car and started screaming at the one guy to "do it faster, because you're taking too long and time is money!" No kidding. I wanted to ask her if the other guys, standing around doing nothing but obviously not wasting any time, were just actors or there for moral support, but I was legitimately afraid Rex would run into the large hole. He's like that, enthusiastic about everything.

So we watched for what seemed like hours and then went to pick up the dog. Sanchi always smells and looks great after leaving the groomer's, and Rex couldn't keep his hands (and mouth) off of him. I guess this is the right time to note that in almost two years, Rex has bitten Sanchi approximately 47 times, and Sanchi has bitten Rex only about three times, and never very hard, while Rex usually puts his whole body into it. It's a wonder Sanchi has any fur left. We always thought Sanchi was such a freeloader until our kids were born and he began to earn his keep, first (and still) by sleeping in Veronica's room to ward off nightmares and second, by not killing Rex.

As an aside, Rexie has always behaved like a dog, like a young, roly-poly pack-animal cub. In his young life we have witnessed him bark, lift his leg to pee (in the tub), lay down on Sanchi's bed, chew Sanchi's toys (even, no especially, the disgusting mallard), gnaw on the windowsill, pant repeatedly, chase birds and ducks, eat food off of the floor, tree squirrels, eat dog food from the dog bowl, drink the dog's water, growl, attempt to stick his head out the window of a moving car and hump many objects, both animate and inanimate. There are more I can't recall right now, and the most amazing thing about all of this is that Rex has done most of it without seeing Sanchi do it first. He's a natural.

Of course we had to watch the whole construction thing again on the way back. Two guys were working this time, and the boss lady was in her car, steaming up the windows, flinging her permed ponytail back and forth while yelling into a cell phone. (By the way, you never want to mess with a lady construction captain. Those chicks are fierce.) Eventually Sanchi and I got bored and I had to drag Rex away, past all of the other bored-looking mothers and captivated little boys. Sanchi was the only dog.

All three of us ran home, with Rex yelling, "Dig the dirt! Dig the dirt!" the whole way and stopping, every so often, to molest the dog. I thought of turning Sanchi loose, the way you do with livestock when the barn's on fire (at least that's how Pa did it on Little House) but then realized I had not one, but two animals to keep track of. Better keep at least one of them on the leash.

Oh yeah, that's another one. Rex has tried to wear Sanchi's leash.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Choppers

From last fall ...

Rex was up all night getting new teeth. Molars, I think. He already has like, twenty-two of them, but apparently he needs more. Anyone want to join my pity party? Because even though I'm not the one getting the teeth, clearly I am the one suffering.

I define 'up all night' as bouts of waking up, screaming and hollering for Mama stretching for hours, punctuated by small periods of fitful moaning and sleeping, only to wake up again hollering just when I was drifting back to sleep.

The good part is that while I was up (all night, did I mention?), cursing my son's intrepid new teeth, I was also crafting this blog. So this morning all I did was sit down at the computer, put my fingers on the keyboard and tip my head sideways so the words could run out. No work at all.

Did I mention Rex likes to bite? I have a silver dollar-sized bruise on my right thigh where he sunk his choppers into me on Sunday, vampire-style. Every new tooth Rex gets sends a chill up my spine.

Right now both kids are outside playing with the hose, getting soaked. SOAKED. Veronica likes to put the hose into Rex's pants, which he really hates. When I told her about saving water because people in other parts of the world don't have enough, her response was:

"Fine. Let those people drink water from dams and underground then and let us have our hose."

Apparently I am not raising a future U.N. Ambassador. Dammit!

Mouth-To-Ear

From January ...

It's been awhile since I've written, but this is just so funny I have to share.

The kids are outside in the hallway playing with the bike pump. Veronica is ferociously pumping, up and down, 'getting a real workout', she says. The hose is connected not to her bike tire, but to her brother's ear. His ear!

"Are you pumping air into Rex's ear?" I ask stupidly, hoping it's not like blowing air into a pregnant woman's vagina, which we all know causes the fetus' brain to explode, or something like that. (Rex is very cute, and could probably get by in life on charm alone, but he might still need his brain for something.)

She cheerfully replies. "Yes! I'm keeping him alive! And the extra air can just come out of his butt."

Right.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

It's What I Do

My daily life with two children is a series of twists and turns, negotiations and ultimatums that eventually turn into nothing after I've wrestled them both into bed.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Monday, November 23, 2009

It's A Boy!

I've known this for some time, but now it's official: Rex is a boy.  What am I going to do?

Today he licked the bathroom floor, wiggled himself halfway under the bed and tried to hump the toilet, all in the space of about twenty minutes ... while screeching joyfully at the top of his lungs. He's not technically crawling yet, but he's almost crawling, and he's devised a way to get where he wants to go:  he gets up on all fours and rocks back and forth faster and faster until his forward momentum shoots him forward a few feet.  He usually lands on his face, which makes him laugh. (Not to worry - he has plenty of cheek fat to absorb the impact.)  Rex is one crazy baby.  He prefers to operate in the nude.

The good news is that his antics have made him interesting to Veronica, whose favorite game is to sit on top of Rex.  She tries to ride him like a horse.  He doesn't seem to mind, but he does twist around so that he can grab a handful of her hair when she tackles him.  It's his only defense, and it works:  the harder she pulls away, the more forcefully he holds on, giggling the whole time.  I don't have to say a word, although the dog probably has an opinion on their wrestling matches.  The other day Rex tried to eat one of Sanchi's paws, and there I drew the line.  It was disgusting.  The bathroom floor is one thing, but the dog?  Verboten.

I hate to stereotype, but Veronica never did anything remotely disgusting when she was Rex's age, and she could have.  She got the same amount of naked time, crawled at about the same age, was exposed to the same toys and furniture layout, the same parenting (more or less). Same dog, too.  She never tried to jump out of her high chair or bang on stuff.  She was civilized and calculating; she had grace and a certain elegance to her cavorting.  Don't get me wrong - she was a baby, and did typical baby stuff, but she did it with finesse.  She's still like that.  If Rex actually does let her ride him at some point, she'll ride sidesaddle wearing a flouncy hat.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Crawling

Cary and Veronica have been teaching Rex to crawl.  For my part, I have been trying to teach Rex to simply lay there, like an overfed baby seal, but so far my efforts are in vain, because Rex is hell bent on moving.  Any day now he's going to be motoring down the hallway.  The dog is in big trouble.

The other night I found Cary down on all fours, demonstrating the proper crawling technique (hand, knee, hand, knee) to a very engaged, very interested Rex, who showed he understood by getting up on all fours and rocking back and forth.  That's his newest baby move, and it's very cute.  He likes to do it while pushing his face down into his rubber giraffe toy Sophie, who is new best friend.  Sophie doesn't mind being dry-humped and slobbered on.  In fact, I'm pretty sure Veronica did the same thing to her back when they were best friends.