Social (Dis)Order

Most days I'd like to trade places with our dog Sanchi, at least for a few hours. Seriously. He sleeps all day, and when he's not laying around hogging my space and breathing my air, he's out at the beach with his personal trainer. Did I mention he gets water, food and a comfy ottoman to sleep on at night? Three hots and a cot, all in exchange for being a dog. We keep hoping one of these days he'll redeem himself, somehow pay us back for nearly six years of mooching, perhaps rescue one of the children or dig up a million dollars in the back yard. Even though he's really smart, we're not getting our hopes up. Right now he's at my side, staring at my fingers as I type. I'm pretty sure he's taking notes for when dogs take over the world.

Sanchi used to be our kid - spoiled, pampered, adored. Babied. Then we started having real babies, and he got bumped to the bottom of the social order, which is where he really should have been all along. These days he gets about as much attention as the laundry, and this gives me one more thing to feel guilty about, even while I'm in the garden picking up his poop. Something doesn't seem quite right about this equation, but since I'm at in charge of 80% of our household poop, I suck it up. Sometimes it seems I'm the one at the bottom of the social order around here. Dog shit should be the least of my concerns.

Speaking of poop, I think I should start composting Rex's manure. Baby manure would be a major cash crop for California, second only to pot, if we could just figure out how to package it for the farmers. Rex's manure alone could be used to fertilize at least an acre of something. I'm sure of it. The day I figure out a way to legally grow marijuana and use baby poop to fertilize it, I'll be a rich woman, no doubt about it. That would shoot me straight to the top of my family's social order. And just think about what excellent weed it would be - an indirect derivative of breast milk, chock full of nutrients and antibodies. I can just hear the potheads now: "That's some good shit, man."