Yes, this one is called Butt Floss

My daughter isn't even four yet, but she's already learning to play the game.  She just gets it. Maybe every parent thinks their kid is this bright, or maybe not.  I've met some parents who admit their children are not very sharp, and I know one father who actually refers to his son as a doofus.  (You know who you are.)    

Today we went to the dentist.  Veronica walked in like she owned the place, and within minutes she had the entire staff, including the evil Nurse Ratched-type receptionist, wrapped around her little finger.  It was like she was doing some clever, adorable standup comedy routine without even breaking a sweat.  She and I were both getting our teeth cleaned, but this was the first time Veronica got to be in her own room, all by her big grown-up self, with the hygienist.  She seemed pretty psyched about it because she'd been brushing her teeth extra long and hard for a couple days, just to make sure she was ready for her appointment.  She's a diligent kid.  She also very diligently scoured the bathroom floor, and then her butt, with her electric toothbrush. I threw it away as soon as I figured out what else she'd been using it for, but I'm not sure how long the butt-scrubbing had been going on.  Quite possibly days.  I'm trying to forget about it, but I keep thinking:  Which is dirtier?  My bathroom floor or her butt?

Anyway, back to the dentist.  So I'm in one room, getting my choppers worked on, which I actually love, and she's next door charming the pants off the fairly kid-savvy hygienist.  I couldn't see any of her antics, so all I got were sound bytes. They went something like this:

"Patty, did you put those stuffed animals all around the room to distract me while you clean my teeth?  Because you know, I'm pretty distracted right now."

"Patty, can you please also sharpen my teeth while you're cleaning them?  Because I'm going to be a lion for Halloween."  

"Patty, my mom said I can have chocolate cookies after the dentist as long as I behave.  And I'm going to brush my teeth after I eat the cookies."  (Ok, she dropped a dime on me, because I did bribe her, and will always and forever bribe her, but to her credit she pulled out a major save in the end. That's my girl.)

"Patty, I want to be just like you when I grow up."

And so on.  Everything she said, and particularly that last thing, elicited the most adoring, sugary oohs and aahs from the office staff.  Even the guy cleaning the windows took off his headphones so he could hear my daughter carry on and watch her bat her gorgeous, sable eyelashes.  And I'm sitting there, in the next room, listening to her but also trying to ignore it all, because I've decided that the dentist is another opportunity for me to have Pretend Alone Time.  As long as a jillion other people are looking after my daughter, cutely holding court in the next room, I might as well grab some shuteye.  After all, I'm used to her brilliance.  I've heard it all before.  

So, I'm pretty sure my daughter is no doofus.  Even though she used her toothbrush on her bottom. You never know - she may be on to something there.   And since I just started letting her floss her own teeth, I'm sure the floss will also make its way down under.  She'll have the cleanest butt around.